"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Judge: Do your swear to speak the truth and nothing other than the truth? A drunk was in front of a judge. Accused: Uncle? Judge: \*to first Squirtle\* What's your name? "Where are they?" A big list of judge jokes! In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. asked the driver. 107 of them, in fact! It's a great joke. The judge reviews the evidence and decides to sentence the hooker to community service for 6 months. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”, The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence. Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. You want a divorce from Mrs. Smith: Indeed I have, your Honour; and has your Honour ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that a much talking Judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal? ... One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. ...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man. After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" "The courthouse? Almost everyone agrees it's good. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. She dropped her briefs. Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man. Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. One day, Johnny came in late to class. © Joe Shitface wasn't too happy with his name. The judge said that was true. The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?". Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then. It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge? he asked the first man. me: dang, 68? ", The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?". judge JOKES (random) The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?" In one California death penalty case, the judge joked that any jurors caught discussing the case inappropriately would be shot. I can't even kill an ant. You're the one that's working!" One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. ", Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny. "Mr. Clark, I've reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce-court judge says, "and I've decided to award your wife $775 a week. Judge jokes. Judge: Mr. Smith, have you ever heard of a saying by Bacon – the great Bacon – that youth and discretion are ill-wed companions? What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? "I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied. So Joe went to see a judge to have it changed. can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha, The judge calls on the first duck. Read on for 13 of her funniest and toughest one-liners about telling the truth, showing respect, and why she is always the boss. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l, They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off. ", "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!” Judge: "I don't understand, what happened? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth? Justice Prick ", Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. A great lawyer knows the judge. asked the solicitor. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); 15 jokes about judges. The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him.". The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy, submissons by: Irene, rouse_2012, Kandjlavis. The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. A drunk was in front of a judge. Read on for 13 of her funniest and toughest one-liners about telling the truth, showing respect, and why she is always the boss. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" "I never said a word" the third defendant replied. The partner was horrified. ", When I said that a $1 bill wouldn't work to bribe the judges, he responded "It's not for bribing them, it's to let them see you actually holding a note!". A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. "Not guilty" said the second defendant. -Henry Youngman Confucius says, "Women who sit on judges lap, get honorable discharge". "Guilty", said the man in the dock. ", The Judge says “get that dog out it cannot be a witness”. His honorable happily accepted the bribe. The judge says "The hot ones can stay, everyone else leave. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house. The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" but by the world we leave behind for Betty White. Not guilty, said the second. Just ice. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking. And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. The judge asks "would you like to live with your mom? He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why. He couldn't allow a salt and battery in his court! The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!". Confucius says, "Women who sit on judges lap, get honorable discharge". By then you're a mile away, and you've got their shoes. The partner was horrified. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. Some of them says it's too good -- maybe a little bit too funny. The optimal ratio for the best dad joke is two parts funny: one part groan. Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." And I'll kick in a little something myself. Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth? The guy starts calmly. In the final stages of a beauty pageant, only 5 women and one man remains. I showed it to them and they said it's really funny. The judge looks at Joe puzzled and asks, "What is your, Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce. CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better." A drunk was in front of a judge. A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. Being a lawyer and a judge are the hardest professions. Mouse because she's *silly*?". In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt." What does a judge put in her beverages? He said he had just caws. Judge Joke 1 The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. The judge told her to stop using crack and start showing it? Attending a trial at the court, listening to the points of both the parties and than passing a judgment is the most difficult for a judge because the life of a person can be sentenced to death or imprisonment by their final decision.

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